Flashbacks are all I have!

Dear Mama,

Hope you're doing well and watching over me every day! The last ten days of May are here. And the flashbacks have begun. My emotions are all over the place. But how do I explain this to the world? Not that I need to but you know..

Nine years ago, around this time, we joined you in Abu Dhabi.. To be exact, on the 15th of May.. You had been admitted to the hospital and naive as I unfortunately was, I didn't realize that that would be the last place you would get to see in your lifetime; didn't realize that that would be the last state we would see you in..

These flashbacks that I have been carrying with me for nine years.. are my biggest nightmare.. but they are also my prized possession.. They make me feel closer to you all of a sudden.. As if I am in that room again.. As if I can feel you fighting for life.. I get goosebumps every time I picture you in that hospital bed..

No matter how much time has passed, your precious daughter still breaks down in front of Allah and wishes for Him to turn back time.. wishes to undo that whole period of her life.. and wishes to see you happy and healthy one more time...

Regret.. A word, a feeling that people tell us to let go.. They tell you to move on and find solace in the present.. But regret.. Regret of all that I could have said, all that I could have done.. All that i could have unsaid and all that I could have undone.. I wish I had been a better daughter.. A better person...

Nine years Mama.. The pain has not lessened.. There are still ten days to go.. But I wanted to let you know.. you're on my mind more than ever.. You're always at the back of mind, you're always in my heart, you're the reason behind my every move.. You're my motivation, you're my strength.. But this time of the year.. I just need you more than ever..

Dear Allah, please keep my mama healthy and happy, this is my dua, today and always!

"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood. 

[Al Isra:23-24]

Keep sending me some positive vibes and love from Jannat Mama! I love and miss you immensely!

Trying to make you proud always,

Love, M!

How praying 5 times a day has changed me!

Dear Mama,

Remember how you used to be after Asad* and me to pray regularly? Well, I wish I had listened to you earlier. But well. No use crying over spilt milk.

All these years, I would try to regulate my prayer routine; I tried to at least pray twice a day, if not that then at least pray the Friday prayers. It was, of course, not enough. Somehow, I just never managed to push myself hard enough. I don’t know what it was really, I am at a loss of words to explain why I had been so ignorant of this habit that Allah has made compulsory for us. There were times where I was plain lazy and others where I was super rebellious (an extremely wrong attitude).

However, today, I can proudly say that I have become quite regular (Alhamdulillah), in fact, I even wake up for Fajr most days, effortlessly. Although it has only been around two months since I’ve adopted this new routine but I have to admit, it is the best thing to have happened to me in a long time.

The Quran, the Holy Scripture that has been sent down to mankind is the best possible gift ever. The Quran beautifully entails a way of life for us and reminds us over and over that Allah is the Most Merciful, the Most Gracious and to Him we shall all return. I recommend reading the translation/tafseer to ALL my friends and family who are looking for peace and tranquility. (I am still in the process of reading it, so I won’t go in details). The Quran mentions the importance of Salah after every few Ayaats!

O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient. (Al Baqarah- 153)

Say, "Indeed, my prayer, my rites of sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah , Lord of the worlds. (Al An’am- 162)

Recite, [O Muhammad], what has been revealed to you of the Book and establish prayer. Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do. (Al Ankabut -44)

With all the sudden deaths, the disasters around the world and everything going constantly haywire, I finally resorted to praying to Allah to find peace and answers. In my heart, I know that Allah intended for me to find the right path. I know that the fact that I can acknowledge the benefits of prayer in my life is a gift in itself.

Praying so regularly has changed my perspective on life. Yes! Believe it or not! In a matter of a few weeks, I feel the change inside me. I love the routine; in fact, I look forward to the next prayer time. I feel proud of myself every night after performing the Isha prayer and go to sleep more peacefully. The days when I wake up for Fajr, I feel that my time is spent more productively. Taking out time for Dhuhr and Asar during a busy school day makes me feel on top of the world. And to ensure that I don’t miss Maghrib, I have stopped napping at odd hours! My whole routine is in place Alhamdulillah. And apart from this, the biggest thing that I have gained from this habit is: I have LESS time to think about unnecessary issues in life! I spend more time on the important stuff and I feel LESS depressed. I look forward to the day where my heart will be completely at ease! In sha Allah.

Before I sign off, the purpose of my post? I URGE everyone and anyone who reads this, try an incorporate at least one Salah in your timetable. Trust me, baby steps will take you a long way!

Allah says "Take one step towards Me, I will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards Me, I will run towards you." (Hadith Qudsi)

Keep sending me some positive vibes and love from Jannat Mama! I love and miss you immensely!

Trying to make you proud always,

Love, M!

*Asad is my younger brother. Fahad is the youngest. He was too young to pray back then. 

A Temporary and Often Unappreciative Chapter

Dear Mama, 

It's been long hasn't it? There is just so much I have to say to you and well. Actually, yes I know I still eat your head the same way that I used to. But I remember how you encouraged me writing. and well here I am. Pretty rusty if you ask me.

Here goes.. I am reviving this very old blog of mine to bring to your notice some very pertinent issues in today's world.. in easier words.. social norms that I JUST cannot put up with. And well, ask Allah to please send me some more strength to bear with the many kinds of idiosyncrasies in the world, particularly on our side of the planet! 

Mama, people nowadays have forgotten how temporary this life is. I know I have my days too (guilty as charged) but some people have forgotten that Allah has only sent us here to test us. Everyday I come across at least one person who seems to give way too much importance to the most unnecessary worldly issues. And my heart breaks.  Such fools we are to believe that issues of relationships or wealth or anything of the sort are worth worrying over. Such fools we are for not being grateful about even the smallest little blessing that Allah has bestowed on us.

So many people leave us due to untimely deaths and we sit here and question how the event could even occur. It makes no sense. Heck, I still sometimes think how you left so early. And then it hits me. It hits me how THIS world is the temporary one. How the pleasures of THIS world are the temporary ones. How the struggles in THIS world are nothing as compared to the rewards or even the punishment of the hereafter! 

Yes, I am rambling on and on.. But I want you to know that you are lucky you don't have to witness the ignorance of our society. I know Allah is taking care of you along with all our loved ones.

Lastly: 

Alhamdulillah for the oxygen I breathe

Alhamdulillah for the food I eat 

Alhamdulillah for the roof over my head

Alhamdulillah for the clothes I wear

Alhamdulillah for the amazing people in my life 

Alhamdulillah for the good etiquettes that you inculcated in me

Alhamdulillah for a good education so that I can handle life affairs easily

Alhamdulillah for the good upbringing that has given me the power to think for myself and differentiate between wrong and right

Alhamdulillah for the small happy moments in my daily life

Alhamdulillah for a healthy and functional mind, body and soul

Alhamdulillah for being your daughter

Alhamdulillah for all the things that I forget to thank Allah for! 

Take care Mama and send me back lots of good vibes please! Please disregard the unplanned format of this first letter to you, I promise it shall get better with time! Till next time! 

Trying to make you proud always. 

Love, M